Peter

I want to tell you some stories. Stories of people who have changed my life.
Who have taught me who Jesus is, and what faith and joy truly are. 
Like all of us, I think their stories must be told. 

Peter lives on the streets of Orlando. 
I met him a little over a month ago. He was ready to end his life. Drugs had their hold over everything he was. My comrades and I, who do Thursday night food "sharing", met him. We heard his story, his pain, his need. 

We went with him to the hospital and he entered for the 72 hours required before he can start rehab. After the 72 hours it didn't look like he would be able to do anything else through the hospital. I was really discouraged, I thought that's it, we only put it off for 3 days... But nonetheless, I prayed hard and hoped for the best.

Last night, Peter came down to Lake Eola and he shared his story. He looks great. He's gained 15 pounds and has made some money, and has not spent any of it on drugs. He shared with the group that he hasn't had the urge to go back to drugs. Only by the grace of God, through our love & prayers. 
He said that he was sharing his story, of God's grace in his life with his friends. 

What do you do with that besides cry tears of joy?

One month ago he was ready to take his life. Now he's embracing it with joy and hope. 

Jesus = life. everywhere. truth. everywhere.

Everywhere

I can not help but see the life all around us. And by life, I do mean Jesus. Because, like that verse in john 14 so beautifully states, He is the way the truth and the life. And it's everywhere. He's everywhere.

I drove home this morning, quite happy I might add, and saw this truth, and this life... this beauty everywhere... the sky reflecting off of the water, the clouds, the wind and trees, just everywhere. 

((Did I mention - everywhere?!))

Last night I saw it so much in the beautiful wonderful girls at my "Ruby" sphere. In their smiles, in their eyes, in their kind words and loving hearts. So blessed by you girls. 

How can anyone be unhappy while playing with puppies? 

God answers our prayers, often, before we ever even pray them. 

"And how can I stand here with you and not be moved by you
Would you tell me how could it be any better than this
Cause you're all I want, you're all I need " - everything - lifehouse

Here's the thing, the thing is... Just because I'm crazy about feeding homeless people, and I'd die for the kids in Africa... Doesn't mean I expect anyone else to be that person. 

I never really was, and I am not sure why I am now. That's a lie. God's totally made me like this, but yeah. 

There wouldn't be ministry if we didn't have the financial support of businesspeople. There wouldn't be ministry if we didn't have the awesome prayer partners that we do. 

Not to mention, like, we need people here. In businesses, working with youth, working with kids & peers... everywhere. 

So, like mad respect for you, no matter who you are or what you do. 

I had so many beautifully formed thoughts as I was driving, sun in my eyes, to spit out on here, and now, they're all foreign to me.

Plague of Insecurity

Disclaimer: This is plaguing my heart & soul in the recent days. I have to spit it out. I hope it reads as my thoughts.

I am failing miserably at trusting God, and it amazes me what's troubling me now.

Formerly, it was my insecurity. My inability to believe and understand that this God could love me as much as He claims to, because I am so not worthy of it. He cured that. He healed that. He loves me, and I get that. 

That was a huge hurdle. 

Now, I can not trust Him that He's writing my love story. I find myself unable to trust that He can make someone else who will love me... That it's even possible. or that I would deserve it or get it if it existed. 

I guess it still amazes me the extent to which He has changed me already... Everything I ever thought that I was has been radically changed by His grace and unfailing love. 

I never accepted, neither understood nor agreed with anything I am being able to relate to any sort of beauty. He redeemed that, He told me He loves me, and to Him, I am beautiful. And that's truth in Him. 

But, not by today's standards, society's, even my own or others' around me... 

And I am finding it increasingly hard to trust that He will provide that... That He will provide some guy that's going to be all the things I desire; who's going to (most importantly) challenge me toward Christ. 

And last, I am finding that it's not just me. There's a staggering array of people who feel similarly. 

What will it take for us to see that He can and will provide in some way, better than we ever could, for our every need?...

Set Free

"Let us not be satisfied with just giving money. Money is not enough, money can be got, but they need your hearts to love them. So, spread your love everywhere you go." - Mother Teresa

Today, my dad and I talked about what it means to really love. What it means to be a follower of Christ. 

Consumerism. Judgment. Hypocrisy. Poor & rich. Tattoos. Books. Revolution. Tradition. Respect. Legalism. 

I applied to go to India. I am extremely stoked... prepared for anything, even God closing that door. We shall see.

I've been doing a lot of HW. I really like Psychology. 

I think it's amazing that of all the love I have 'known' in my life... being "in love", "falling in love", my parents' love, my friends' love... all the love I have ever thought I have known is completely surpassed by the crazy love I'm falling more deeply into with my precious Redeemer.

He has set me free. Captivated, redeemed, restored, healed, loved me. 

I am going to the beach on friday, which really excites me.

Great Life

I went to Africa to show people Jesus' love... but instead, they showed me what that really means. I went there to give to the poor, and came away with riches that will never leave me. I went to give from my heart, and had it broken forever. I love those people, and they taught me more about life, love, and Jesus than I could have ever imagined. 

Yesterday was a good day. Good times with great people.

Thursday night was one of those nights that I will never forget. I got to talk with a good homeless friend, Terry. I shared my story with Him and told him that I don't want to sell him my religion, I want to show him my God's love. 

I had a dream that I had a little baby girl. It made me really happy. 
I think it's such a beautiful thing you know, kids & marriage... I am excited for when it happens someday. 

I miss my African kids. I wrote an essay for one of my classes about one of the little girls... who will always have a piece of my heart. 

I like chai tea, and "nothing's going to change my world" by the beatles. 

Today I start with the youth at Cornerstone. I'm stoked.

Bigger than Big

In Siswati, the word for God is Unkulunkulu, (which, mind you, is an extremely fun word to try to say ten times fast!) It translates to english literally as: "Bigger than big." Their word for God means... Bigger than big.

And He is. 

Last night, I went to Status, and as always it was really awesome. I stood, arms outstretched to the heavens, with tears in my eyes, thanking, worshiping, praising my precious Lord Jesus for His redeeming love. That He saved me, that He loves me... That He treasures me. That He has changed my heart, my life, my future, me, completely... 

I am still trying to figure out whether or not to go to India this summer, and i have until March 1st. 

I want to say thanks so much to those of you who have been coming down to Lake Eola to hang out and feed & have Bible study with me and my homeless friends down there. It's blessed and encouraged me to see so many different people get involved. I love you guys, and you've shown me Jesus' love through your words and actions.

<3

No greater love.

"In this life we can do no great things. We can only do small things with great love." - Mother Teresa

Few of you know my story, know my past, know my secrets. The amazing ways God has shown me His redeeming Love... 

My mom and I never really had a great relationship until about 3 years ago. Walls broke down, and truth started taking place. Love.

I've been down in the dumps lately. Though I'd do all I could to keep anyone from seeing it, that's almost not worth the effort... And I finally figured out that the reason I'm scared of letting people see my hurt, see my sadness, is because I'll be hurt if they see and do not care.

My mom sensed. My mom figured it out, and she took the day off of work yesterday. We went to a movie I'd been wanting to see. We went shopping. We told stories and laughed together. She knew just what it would take to cheer me up, and she did it. She showed me great love through small things... 

God answered yet another prayer. I cried out to be embraced and cared for, to have love poured into me, as I'm beginning to feel so empty... And He did just that. This tiny thing, of this day with my Mom, made a great difference to me. 
Thank you, Lord. And thank you, Mom. <3 

This is dedicated to my mom n dad, (an old photo, mind you, but still)...

Nothing I could ever do would make Him love me any less

Nothing I could EVER do would make Him love me any less. Unconditionally, selflessly, without hope or agenda, my Jesus, my Father loves me completely.

In high school, there was this guy who walked the halls of the school with his rolling backpack and wore straight leg jeans before they were cool. I had mad respect for him... He took crap from everyone and never stopped smiling. I don't remember how many times he really brightened my days... I found out this morning that he killed himself earlier this week... That really breaks my heart. 

Yesterday, I had a good friend who I really respect tell me that the things I'm doing don't matter, that I'm not really making a difference to anyone.

Which made me think hardcore about why I do the stuff I do. I mean why did I let it bother me so much that someone thinks I waste my time, it's not for them...?...

I don't know where I'm going, I don't know what, specifically, I am going to do with my future... I've just put it in God's hands, and trusted, despite my many fears, that He'll guide me... 

"Being unwanted, unloved, uncared for, forgotten by everybody, I think that is a much greater hunger, a much greater poverty than the person who has nothing to eat." - Mother Teresa...

My mom and dad bought me a bluetooth headset for valentine's day, which i've been wanting! :)

Smiling > Not Smiling

I wrote this amazing note and accidentally erased it. BOO. I can't remember all of it, but I'll try again... I've decided to type some of my journal entries here sometimes. Today will be one of those...

My doorbell rang today, and my Mom answered it (my Dad and I were busy doing taxes) and there stood my 6 year old neighbor, Tanner. He'd brought me a gift, he handed my Mom a pink smiley face bouncy ball. Made me smile pretty big. :)

As I drove home from Status tonight, I was singing African worship songs. I was crying tears of joy as I sang thanks to my precious Jesus... "Jabulani" = Rejoice. (In Zulu.) 

Yesterday I went to Home Sweet Homeless's Potluck. AWESOME. I took my mom who wore her 1980 visor. At least it wasn't a fanny pack. She got to meet the guys she's been praying for with me. Again, awesome. :)

"Jesus is the truth that must be shared." - Mother Teresa.

I made some pretty huge decisions today that will be significantly effecting my future... I'm excited & overjoyed, nervous & anxious... 

I have spent a lot of time here in Orlando feeling overwhelmingly alone, and in retrospect I see that God's really using that in my life... I don't know at what point exactly I became this strange person I've become, but I'm thankful that He's ever busy growing me more towards Him... 

Last but certainly not least, I am so thankful for the precious girls I met this week, my "Rubies": Lori, Madeleine, Sarah, Ruthie, Candace, Dana, Ashley, Annie...