I Don't Know How.

8:16 pm | Monday, 15 Sept, 2008

Some days I'm beyond hopeful. I'm a dreamer... and, I dream big.
Other days, I wonder if there will ever be healing.

As we walked through Central Park, I spoke about the simple beauty in the midst of the chaos. That's where Jesus is. He's in the simplest of beauty and truth, some days He smiles at me shyly in another woman's face. Some days, He takes my breath away in the most extravagant way.

I saw a girl today on the streets of NYC. She couldn't have been much older than me. She was sitting with a sign, "Trying to make it home. Anything will help, Please." 
I walked past her & felt the all too familiar pain in my chest... the next few minutes were two battles: one to hold back tears & another to fight going back to figure out how to rescue her. I walked on, to my lunch. I went back and took her a slice of pizza, asked her name, and learned a tiny bit of her story. 

Here I am, hours later, with that same ache in my chest.
How it hurts. But it's a beautiful pain. It's a brokenness that I know He's desperate to heal... to pour love into.

It's a brokenness that definitely goes beyond that girl & into my hopeless days. 
It's the deepest point of my hopelessness. It's the pain that causes me to run away from my first love. 
But... then, the beauty is in the realization. The ache is in the knowledge that my first love is waiting for me to return. He's working. He's praying. He's aching for me to come home. 
I'm on my way.

I don't know which road to take, but I am coming home. & I know, I will make it some day.

It's beautiful, the hope He gives me in the worst of times in the best of ways.

I don't understand how He can love me so much when all I do is break His heart. I don't understand His patience & grace. His love or mercy. His truth & authenticity. His beauty or hope. But I know it's there.
Some days I can feel it. Some days I can even see it. 
Other days, I must just believe.
Those are the days when grace means the most.

Precious Lover, remember the days I did believe. Take this brokenness that overwhelms me, and speak tenderly to me. Hold my hand & guide me in the right direction. Help me find my way home... I want your genuine love more than anything. I want to love you, but I must admit... I don't know how.

I Want You.

Broken. Hurt. Lost. Confused. Desperate.
Numb.

I want you to care.
I want to cry and have you wipe away the tears.
I want to hear you say I'm beautiful.
I want you to bring a smile to my face.
I want you to see my pain and set me free.
I want you to be with me. 
I want your love and comfort, hope and security.

But the thing is, you're not who can give it to me.
It's only Him. It's only Him. 

He wants to be these things to me, but I keep telling Him what I've been told forever: "You're not good enough."

I don't want my happiness to depend on you.
I don't want my self worth to come from your concept of beauty.
I don't want my passions to live up (or not) to your expectations.
I don't want my dreams to fade away as I see your disapproval. 
I don't want the darkness of my soul to keep me from seeing the light.
I don't want to cease to be in my attempt to do.
I don't want to lose my soul in the pursuit of your love.

What I really need is Him.
My head knows; why can't my heart believe?

At the end of the day, I'd rather have a false sense of love that I can touch and smell and see than genuine love that requires faith. 

I want you. I need Him.
I love not. He loves all.
He's truth... I live a lie.

'I am thankful for Jesus because He gives me grace. 
Jesus is like the best friend that knows me all too well.