Choosing Love

I've spent the last month choosing to do the right thing, the hard way, everyday.

I've been having awkward conversations with people so as to approach a certain situation the best, most loving way. 

(Not that I'm always successful. I screw up. But I'm committed to doing the right thing.)

This effects everything. 

This morning, I spent quite a bit of time telling a friend that there's nothing he could ever do to make me love him any less. I was hoping that he'd understand how much he's loved and begin to let us be real friends for hard things, not just the easy stuff.

It's incredible to choose to love someone no matter what. 

It's painful. It's difficult. 

It's redemptive.

I don't think I deserve love most days.

Sometimes that makes me push away the people who try to love me most. 

Those are the days I need the most love.

It's not easy. I'm not easy to love. 

I know that. 

But, it's about choosing to love me anyway. 

It's about choosing to fight me in order to love me sometimes.

It's about telling me that I matter enough for you to fight for.

There's this awesome person in my life... He's been there for quite awhile now, and he's played a big part in how I experience Jesus because he's shown me such unconditional love.

I've been really honest about life with him. I've let him in to my life. 

He's seen and known my heart. 

This afternoon, he told me that he's tired of fighting to be close to me.

It's not easy enough. I'm not worth the fight. 

Maybe this isn't what he meant, but it is surely what he communicated.

As if the words that preceded those didn't cut deep enough, he said if I'm going to be so difficult to love, we can just part ways.

Hurt people hurt people.

I know. I've known.

You were supposed to love me better.

Do I get grace? 

Unconditional love? 

Here's the hard part:

I'm devastated by this conversation I had. 

I'm tempted to let my hurt build and disconnect from him completely... but isn't this just what I'm asking?

If I'm so hurt because he's mentioned the possibility of giving up, do I then give up also, or do I push and fight to love him? 

Love is an action.

Love is a lifestyle.

Love is a choice. 

Love is a need.

"Let us not love in word or talk but in deed and in truth." 

Love is an action.

Nobody ever said it was going to be easy. 

It's simple to choose love, though.

Love wins.

Mark's gonna be free

Meet Mark.

Mark may very well be the sweetest man I've ever met. (He's also the most photogenic.) 
Every time I see him, he greets me with a huge smile, a big hug, and a kiss on the cheek. 

I notice when he's not around. It brings me joy each time I see him. I look forward to talking with him.

Last month, Mark gave me a hug, not unusual, but this hug changed everything. He smelled so strongly of alcohol that I held my breath, then I did something that I don't normally do. 

I told him.

"Mark, you reek of alcohol."

"I always smell like alcohol." He said.

"I know, but I keep hoping someday I'll hug you & you won't anymore."

"You can't just accept me how I am?" He said, getting angry.

"Mark, I love you. I love you just the way you are, and if you never change, I'll never love you any less. I love you, and that means I have to push you to do better." 

He wasn't hearing me completely, then finally it clicked. If I love him, I want what's best for him, and this life clearly isn't.

"You're an amazing woman." He said, and he leaned down and kissed my forehead as he turned and walked away, waving goodbye over his shoulder.

Later that week, I was talking with Sean who works at the church that provides food for the Nomsa community dinners I'm involved with each week. Sean told me that he and his wife have been praying for Mark and telling him the same kinds of things I have.

What's especially important about what they've been telling him is that he can be free from his addiction to alcohol. 

Mark and I have had several very similar conversations in the last few weeks. I love him. I can only love him because Jesus loved me, I could never have done it before. 

Last week, Sean gave his testimony to all the folks who stuck around for worship & Bible study, because our normal 'preacher' couldn't make it. Sean told of his own struggles and how Jesus set him free.

Sean talked about a program at his church called "Celebrate Recovery" and said he'd make sure anyone and everyone that wanted to go would get a ride, so that they too can overcome their addictions, hurts, and embrace freedom. 

After Sean was done speaking, I walked over to Mark and patted his round belly,

"So, Mark, are you gonna go with Sean to Celebrate Recovery?" I said, only joking, but hopeful.

"That's what I'm waiting to talk to Sean about right now." He said.

My eyes filled with tears, I jumped up and down, letting out a little scream and I stood on my tip-toes to hug his neck, his beard scratching my face. 

I asked him if I could wait with him so we could tell Sean, and I went to get Sean's wife so we could all be together. 

A small victory. (Or so I thought.)

Tomorrow, Mark checks into rehab. 
(Rehab is not part of the Celebrate Recovery process. CR is like Christian AA). 

It's a tough, long road he's beginning to walk, but he's committing to the hard road, and that's more than I'd expected and the beginning of what I'd hoped for. 

(Me & Mark tonight, this is his "Before" picture).

He's hardworking. He's passionate. He's giving. He's kind. 

He's addicted. He's captive. He's broken.

& ...

He's going to be free. 

Meet Ginger & Hunter

Tonight I watched a young homeless mother open her heart as she let one of our Nomsa volunteers feed her precious baby boy. I watched as this volunteer had a smile across her face that was so beautiful, I had to stop and take a picture. 

(Volunteer: Ginger, with homeless baby boy, Hunter)

Nothing brings my heart more joy than when I see Jesus pouring out - when I see Jesus shining through - a broken person. 

(We're all broken, just in case you were wondering.) 

At the end of the night this beautiful woman, who's so passionate about serving Jesus and being His love, came up to me:

"Lee Anne, I was given a [gas station] gift card for helping out at the church, and [this mother with her two children and friend] need just one tank of gas to get to Deltona, where they will be stable again... Do you think I could use my gas card to get them home?" 

"Of course that's okay." I said, smiling. 

Her eyes filled with tears and she smiled from her heart and told me a story about a baby with the same name as this one she'd met tonight that was in her life previously. A baby that Jesus used her to love. 

He's using her again.

I've never been more excited about the things He's doing through the hands of these broken people that surround me, the things He's doing through Nomsa. 

He's truly amazing, in case you were wondering.

Darkness Becomes Day

"I woke up and wished that I was dead. 

With an achin' in my head, I lay motionless in bed...

... and the world spins madly on." 

-"The World Spins Madly On" by The Weepies

I woke up this morning and begged the morning light to stay away. 

I begged the day to leave me be, let me alone in my illness & misery.

Nonetheless, I have too much to do. 

Work, work, work, then the fun part. Nomsa had a community dinner tonight. We have a community dinner every Thursday night, but there was something special about tonight.

Maybe it's because I delegated all responsibilities and gave myself the opportunity to really talk with people. Maybe it's because I chose to go when everything in me screamed to stay home in bed. 

Whatever reason, I'm so glad. 

Joy filled my heart as the evening carried on.

I get to do what I love, more than anything. I get to live my passion every day.

I get to do life with people that I love, people that love me. I get faced with incredible challenges that I get to see Jesus overcome. 

I get to see people healed and redeemed.

I get to see people experience love... sometimes for the first time in their lives. 

There's nothing I'd rather be doing.

There's nowhere else I'd rather be. 

Sick and aching, my heart is singing. 

Broken and healing, my life is full of joy.

Thank you, Jesus, for healing my heart the way you do. 

Thank you, King, for setting me free.

Thank you, Holy Spirit, for igniting my passions.

Thank you, Yahweh, for giving me vision.

Thank you, Lord, for being my Provider.

"Even the darkness is not dark to you; 

the night is as bright as the day, 

for darkness is light with you."

- Psalm 139:12 

He keeps shining, through it all.

(My sweet, sweet, precious friends: Travis & Ed.)