I think I can finally let go.
I think I can finally stop hating myself.
For those of you who know me well, you know that I have always been ridiculously insecure.
I think I can really let go of that. Not that I will look in the mirror and be overjoyed with what I see...
I was having a conversation with someone this morning, and was really disrespected in something that was said. I responded by saying that I don't deserve that.
I stood up for myself. Because I don't deserve that.
And I've done this a few times in the last couple of weeks. I think I can really, finally let go of all this insecurity stuff, (before it destroys all the relationships in my life.)
Jesus, even though I might not have the strength to give this to you, please take it from me. Give me your strength to overcome this insecurity in my life. Help me to see me how You see me, to embrace all of your grace instead of push it away because I am undeserving. Show me, Jesus, my true beauty - what in my life is You.
Deliver me from the bondage that is all of this shame and hate that is the overwhelming burden of insecurity I constantly battle.
Set me free, my King.
Let it be true. (Amen.)
Wednesday, April 30, 2008
Tuesday, April 29, 2008
The joy of the Lord is my strength
As much as I have needed to learn to say no to people, I am learning that I need to ask for help.
It's like I'm too proud, but in reality, it's this huge effort to avoid being proud or seeming proud that is causing it.
But mostly, I'm afraid that if I tell you I need you, and then you don't help... That's a much bigger hurt, much deeper wound than just ignoring the need.
He's using me, He's growing me, He's changed & changing me... and I am constantly under attack.
On another note...
I don't know how to feel about everyone's excitement about the shirts. I am stoked that so many people are so willing to buy a shirt to help fund the India trip. But really kind of hurt that those same people couldn't just donate the ten or fifteen dollars. Ya know?
I listened to this woman speak last week about God's voice in our lives.
At one point she said that sometimes we need to see what we cannot get away from in order to see what His will is for our lives.
What do you see everywhere? What ministry can't you escape... What follows you? What are the echoes in your life?
He is so good, and as everything in my life has been under attack, I am ok... When I am pretty sure that I should be falling apart completely... I am ok.
He's said to me, I will carry you, angel.
And He will. ♥
I can trust it ALL to Him.
It's like I'm too proud, but in reality, it's this huge effort to avoid being proud or seeming proud that is causing it.
But mostly, I'm afraid that if I tell you I need you, and then you don't help... That's a much bigger hurt, much deeper wound than just ignoring the need.
He's using me, He's growing me, He's changed & changing me... and I am constantly under attack.
On another note...
I don't know how to feel about everyone's excitement about the shirts. I am stoked that so many people are so willing to buy a shirt to help fund the India trip. But really kind of hurt that those same people couldn't just donate the ten or fifteen dollars. Ya know?
I listened to this woman speak last week about God's voice in our lives.
At one point she said that sometimes we need to see what we cannot get away from in order to see what His will is for our lives.
What do you see everywhere? What ministry can't you escape... What follows you? What are the echoes in your life?
He is so good, and as everything in my life has been under attack, I am ok... When I am pretty sure that I should be falling apart completely... I am ok.
He's said to me, I will carry you, angel.
And He will. ♥
I can trust it ALL to Him.
Thursday, April 24, 2008
3/4 cup...
Saturday night, I went with a bunch of amazing girls to downtown Orlando to go dancing and just have a girls' night.
As one of my beautiful friends and I were walking to meet the rest of the group, we passed by a man on the street corner who had a microphone and was shouting about Jesus.
I got a shiver down my spine. As he shouted condemnation to the people walking past him, his words began to burn inside me.
I could not believe that he and I were representing the same Jesus.
My friend and I walked past, introduced ourselves and kept going, but once we got to the club, she needed to go back to the car... Hmmm.
Well it was like this little alarm that was going off inside me, this button being pushed and I couldn't just pass it by.
I said, 'I'm sorry love, but I must go and talk to them,' and I sped towards microphone-man and his tract-bearing friend.
I asked him if I could ask some questions, and he said hold on, finished his spiel and then I asked him why. Why was he out here shouting at people that they were headed for hell? Why was he screaming at all?
Microphone-man and tract-bearing man were really angry at first, but then they stopped and listened to me that I love and respect them and appreciate their passion for serving God but that I think they're just going about it the wrong way.
We ended up sharing Scriptures with them. These two middle-aged men stopped their shouting and listened, (with some serious effort,) to what we had to say.
I prayed for them, and we left.
I don't know what was more exciting... The way that I stepped back and realized that I wasn't talking, the way that these men listened, the fact that I was able to confront them... or the excitement of my friend. She and I walked on, prayed for them some more, and talked about what it means to serve Jesus.
She is new to this walking with Jesus thing, and she has already grown so much, and has developed such a heart for serving and ministry... And she was so excited to see the scary but exciting moment of boldness that Jesus gave me.
I wonder who I am sometimes. This person who would be so confrontational with these men? I would have never had the confidence or boldness to go up and confront them about their actions...
This person who's so quick to pray for people, whenever, wherever.
I never wanted to pray out loud... what if my prayers are silly or I say the wrong thing, people will think I'm not a good Christian or something... But my prayers aren't about anyone but Him.
I am constantly amazed at the transformation that's taken place in my life. I remember being so terrified of the people in church who would lift their hands in worship, thinking, 'I would NEVER do that.' And now... Hahaha. Yeah.
He is SO good. He is SO awemazing.
He will change your life. He will call you out of your comfort zone, and introduce you to Life abundantly. He will embarrass you, humble you, grow you, Love you.
As one of my beautiful friends and I were walking to meet the rest of the group, we passed by a man on the street corner who had a microphone and was shouting about Jesus.
I got a shiver down my spine. As he shouted condemnation to the people walking past him, his words began to burn inside me.
I could not believe that he and I were representing the same Jesus.
My friend and I walked past, introduced ourselves and kept going, but once we got to the club, she needed to go back to the car... Hmmm.
Well it was like this little alarm that was going off inside me, this button being pushed and I couldn't just pass it by.
I said, 'I'm sorry love, but I must go and talk to them,' and I sped towards microphone-man and his tract-bearing friend.
I asked him if I could ask some questions, and he said hold on, finished his spiel and then I asked him why. Why was he out here shouting at people that they were headed for hell? Why was he screaming at all?
Microphone-man and tract-bearing man were really angry at first, but then they stopped and listened to me that I love and respect them and appreciate their passion for serving God but that I think they're just going about it the wrong way.
We ended up sharing Scriptures with them. These two middle-aged men stopped their shouting and listened, (with some serious effort,) to what we had to say.
I prayed for them, and we left.
I don't know what was more exciting... The way that I stepped back and realized that I wasn't talking, the way that these men listened, the fact that I was able to confront them... or the excitement of my friend. She and I walked on, prayed for them some more, and talked about what it means to serve Jesus.
She is new to this walking with Jesus thing, and she has already grown so much, and has developed such a heart for serving and ministry... And she was so excited to see the scary but exciting moment of boldness that Jesus gave me.
I wonder who I am sometimes. This person who would be so confrontational with these men? I would have never had the confidence or boldness to go up and confront them about their actions...
This person who's so quick to pray for people, whenever, wherever.
I never wanted to pray out loud... what if my prayers are silly or I say the wrong thing, people will think I'm not a good Christian or something... But my prayers aren't about anyone but Him.
I am constantly amazed at the transformation that's taken place in my life. I remember being so terrified of the people in church who would lift their hands in worship, thinking, 'I would NEVER do that.' And now... Hahaha. Yeah.
He is SO good. He is SO awemazing.
He will change your life. He will call you out of your comfort zone, and introduce you to Life abundantly. He will embarrass you, humble you, grow you, Love you.
Monday, April 21, 2008
Microphone Man
Saturday night, I went with a bunch of amazing girls to downtown Orlando to go dancing and just have a girls' night.
As one of my beautiful friends and I were walking to meet the rest of the group, we passed by a man on the street corner who had a microphone and was shouting about Jesus.
I got a shiver down my spine. As he shouted condemnation to the people walking past him, his words began to burn inside me.
I could not believe that he and I were representing the same Jesus.
My friend and I walked past, introduced ourselves and kept going, but once we got to the club, she needed to go back to the car... Hmmm.
Well it was like this little alarm that was going off inside me, this button being pushed and I couldn't just pass it by.
I said, 'I'm sorry love, but I must go and talk to them,' and I sped towards microphone-man and his tract-bearing friend.
I asked him if I could ask some questions, and he said hold on, finished his spiel and then I asked him why. Why was he out here shouting at people that they were headed for hell? Why was he screaming at all?
Microphone-man and tract-bearing man were really angry at first, but then they stopped and listened to me that I love and respect them and appreciate their passion for serving God but that I think they're just going about it the wrong way.
We ended up sharing Scriptures with them. These two middle-aged men stopped their shouting and listened, (with some serious effort,) to what we had to say.
I prayed for them, and we left.
I don't know what was more exciting... The way that I stepped back and realized that I wasn't talking, the way that these men listened, the fact that I was able to confront them... or the excitement of my friend. She and I walked on, prayed for them some more, and talked about what it means to serve Jesus.
She is new to this walking with Jesus thing, and she has already grown so much, and has developed such a heart for serving and ministry... And she was so excited to see the scary but exciting moment of boldness that Jesus gave me.
I wonder who I am sometimes. This person who would be so confrontational with these men? I would have never had the confidence or boldness to go up and confront them about their actions...
This person who's so quick to pray for people, whenever, wherever.
I never wanted to pray out loud... what if my prayers are silly or I say the wrong thing, people will think I'm not a good Christian or something... But my prayers aren't about anyone but Him.
I am constantly amazed at the transformation that's taken place in my life. I remember being so terrified of the people in church who would lift their hands in worship, thinking, 'I would NEVER do that.' And now... Hahaha. Yeah.
He is SO good. He is SO awemazing.
He will change your life. He will call you out of your comfort zone, and introduce you to Life abundantly. He will embarrass you, humble you, grow you, Love you.
As one of my beautiful friends and I were walking to meet the rest of the group, we passed by a man on the street corner who had a microphone and was shouting about Jesus.
I got a shiver down my spine. As he shouted condemnation to the people walking past him, his words began to burn inside me.
I could not believe that he and I were representing the same Jesus.
My friend and I walked past, introduced ourselves and kept going, but once we got to the club, she needed to go back to the car... Hmmm.
Well it was like this little alarm that was going off inside me, this button being pushed and I couldn't just pass it by.
I said, 'I'm sorry love, but I must go and talk to them,' and I sped towards microphone-man and his tract-bearing friend.
I asked him if I could ask some questions, and he said hold on, finished his spiel and then I asked him why. Why was he out here shouting at people that they were headed for hell? Why was he screaming at all?
Microphone-man and tract-bearing man were really angry at first, but then they stopped and listened to me that I love and respect them and appreciate their passion for serving God but that I think they're just going about it the wrong way.
We ended up sharing Scriptures with them. These two middle-aged men stopped their shouting and listened, (with some serious effort,) to what we had to say.
I prayed for them, and we left.
I don't know what was more exciting... The way that I stepped back and realized that I wasn't talking, the way that these men listened, the fact that I was able to confront them... or the excitement of my friend. She and I walked on, prayed for them some more, and talked about what it means to serve Jesus.
She is new to this walking with Jesus thing, and she has already grown so much, and has developed such a heart for serving and ministry... And she was so excited to see the scary but exciting moment of boldness that Jesus gave me.
I wonder who I am sometimes. This person who would be so confrontational with these men? I would have never had the confidence or boldness to go up and confront them about their actions...
This person who's so quick to pray for people, whenever, wherever.
I never wanted to pray out loud... what if my prayers are silly or I say the wrong thing, people will think I'm not a good Christian or something... But my prayers aren't about anyone but Him.
I am constantly amazed at the transformation that's taken place in my life. I remember being so terrified of the people in church who would lift their hands in worship, thinking, 'I would NEVER do that.' And now... Hahaha. Yeah.
He is SO good. He is SO awemazing.
He will change your life. He will call you out of your comfort zone, and introduce you to Life abundantly. He will embarrass you, humble you, grow you, Love you.
Friday, April 18, 2008
Love Letter
I found this in my journal today.
I will type it exactly as it is written, hearts and all.
08 October 2007
Dearest Lover,
I cannot begin to express in words the passion, the overwhelming love & desire in my heart for you... The emotion that just overcomes my heart and soul at the very thought of you... it brings joy to my life, a smile to my face... and a whole new aspect of myself is revealed. You are the only good thing in my life, without you I am nothing.
You complete me and make me whole. ♥ Jesus ♥, You are more than I could ever begin to imagine. You fill me. You bring love, hope, joy, & peace where I never thought it possible. You have given me a new life, a new personality, a new identity. You have taught me more than anyone would ever believe.
You are the essence of my life. You are the air that I breathe, the dream that I embrace. You are the sparkle in my eye & the smile on my face. You are beautiful, brilliant & awesome.
No words could ever describe, no picture or letter or poem could ever come close to capturing You or Your Beauty... No song could ever bring joy or peace the way that you can, Jesus.
No space could ever contain you. You are bigger than big.
More beautiful than anything. You are the reason for life.
I hope and pray that these words are very few of so many more to come. That you will know (not just by my words, but by my life) that I am forever yours. That I love you with all that I am & all that I will ever be. Thank you, my Saviour. My Lover, my Redeemer. My Best Friend. My Everything.
I love you.
-Yours forever, Nomsa ♥
I will type it exactly as it is written, hearts and all.
08 October 2007
Dearest Lover,
I cannot begin to express in words the passion, the overwhelming love & desire in my heart for you... The emotion that just overcomes my heart and soul at the very thought of you... it brings joy to my life, a smile to my face... and a whole new aspect of myself is revealed. You are the only good thing in my life, without you I am nothing.
You complete me and make me whole. ♥ Jesus ♥, You are more than I could ever begin to imagine. You fill me. You bring love, hope, joy, & peace where I never thought it possible. You have given me a new life, a new personality, a new identity. You have taught me more than anyone would ever believe.
You are the essence of my life. You are the air that I breathe, the dream that I embrace. You are the sparkle in my eye & the smile on my face. You are beautiful, brilliant & awesome.
No words could ever describe, no picture or letter or poem could ever come close to capturing You or Your Beauty... No song could ever bring joy or peace the way that you can, Jesus.
No space could ever contain you. You are bigger than big.
More beautiful than anything. You are the reason for life.
I hope and pray that these words are very few of so many more to come. That you will know (not just by my words, but by my life) that I am forever yours. That I love you with all that I am & all that I will ever be. Thank you, my Saviour. My Lover, my Redeemer. My Best Friend. My Everything.
I love you.
-Yours forever, Nomsa ♥
Danger: Abyss Ahead
I woke up to 10 new messages.
I guess that's what happens when you sleep in? lol.
I am just thanking Jesus that I didn't wake up to all the noise coming from my phone.
Today is this beautiful day to hang out with my Jesus. I am so stoked.
A Sabbath if you will. :)
Last was potentially very dangerous for me.
When I make mistakes, it's like an abyss. I don't just trip and keep walking... I like dive off of a cliff. (Analogy?)
And it just starts with a thought. One thought of guilt and shame or failure or... fill in the blank.
Last night, I had to make a really hard decision that was the ultimate in saying NO.
In case you're new to this, I have a REALLY hard time saying NO to people because I want to help everyone all the time.
I don't want to burden people so I don't ask for things.
But as I sat weeping last night I realized there are people who care.
I asked for prayer, and I just cried and said the name of Jesus 100 times.
All the other words I could say wouldn't matter, I would just be asking for hope or strength or comfort. He is those things... I just need Him.
He wrapped me in this little blanket of friends and they carried me away from that abyss before I could get there... Set me back on solid ground.
Thank you, beautiful friends. ♥ I love you.
I am listening to Free Bird (Lynyrd Skynyrd) for the first time ever.
I'm pretty sure it's the longest song EVER that I just do not want to turn off...
I absolutely love the hand towel dispensers in bathrooms that are automatic. It keeps me from using my feet or washing my hands twice.
OK, time to go get all dressed up for my date with the epitome of perfection. Oh, Jesus, you make my knees weak. ;o)
I guess that's what happens when you sleep in? lol.
I am just thanking Jesus that I didn't wake up to all the noise coming from my phone.
Today is this beautiful day to hang out with my Jesus. I am so stoked.
A Sabbath if you will. :)
Last was potentially very dangerous for me.
When I make mistakes, it's like an abyss. I don't just trip and keep walking... I like dive off of a cliff. (Analogy?)
And it just starts with a thought. One thought of guilt and shame or failure or... fill in the blank.
Last night, I had to make a really hard decision that was the ultimate in saying NO.
In case you're new to this, I have a REALLY hard time saying NO to people because I want to help everyone all the time.
I don't want to burden people so I don't ask for things.
But as I sat weeping last night I realized there are people who care.
I asked for prayer, and I just cried and said the name of Jesus 100 times.
All the other words I could say wouldn't matter, I would just be asking for hope or strength or comfort. He is those things... I just need Him.
He wrapped me in this little blanket of friends and they carried me away from that abyss before I could get there... Set me back on solid ground.
Thank you, beautiful friends. ♥ I love you.
I am listening to Free Bird (Lynyrd Skynyrd) for the first time ever.
I'm pretty sure it's the longest song EVER that I just do not want to turn off...
I absolutely love the hand towel dispensers in bathrooms that are automatic. It keeps me from using my feet or washing my hands twice.
OK, time to go get all dressed up for my date with the epitome of perfection. Oh, Jesus, you make my knees weak. ;o)
Thursday, April 17, 2008
The 3rd Person
Lee's first name is actually Lee. But she has gone by Lee Anne for as long as she can remember.
She likes when people call her Annie. (Like her friend Lindsey.)
She really enjoys the blues, which she imagines would surprise her dad greatly.
She thinks that the tropical ice tea of the day at Dandelion Cafe is a party in her mouth. She's on her 5th cup. All for two dollars and fifty cents, BAB-Y!
Lee Anne thinks that commercial for car insurance where the family is in the middle of the highway is brilliant... Because that's how she sees it.
People in their cars are people. They're moms and dads and kids and sisters and brothers and people who need Jesus, and people who love Jesus, and people who are striving to love Jesus.
She loves to see people smile more than just about anything.
She wishes she was better at Shining. She wishes she was a better sister. She loves a lot, but sometimes just SUCKS at showing it.
She's pretty certain she's decided to get the tattoo she's been wanting. But not sure where?!
She wonders if other people see the world as brightly as she does.
Maybe some people see it brighter? More vividly? More vibrantly? With more Jesus?
She'd rather be outside.
She didn't go to the Mac interview.
Lee Anne loves Jesus.
Jesus.
Just let that resonate in your soul.
Jesus. He is the epitome of love, grace, mercy, faith, justice, peace, growth, strength, marvel, wonder, life, truth, perfection... and all things good.
OH, she also HATES Edgar Allan Poe. (((Just because he makes her have writers' block hardcore.)))
Her credit card and bank accounts HATE her. BUT, she knows that it will all be okay, because HE will provide. :-)
<3 Oh, her Jesus. Isn't HE so beautiful? Isn't HE so mighty?
Oh, HE IS.
She likes when people call her Annie. (Like her friend Lindsey.)
She really enjoys the blues, which she imagines would surprise her dad greatly.
She thinks that the tropical ice tea of the day at Dandelion Cafe is a party in her mouth. She's on her 5th cup. All for two dollars and fifty cents, BAB-Y!
Lee Anne thinks that commercial for car insurance where the family is in the middle of the highway is brilliant... Because that's how she sees it.
People in their cars are people. They're moms and dads and kids and sisters and brothers and people who need Jesus, and people who love Jesus, and people who are striving to love Jesus.
She loves to see people smile more than just about anything.
She wishes she was better at Shining. She wishes she was a better sister. She loves a lot, but sometimes just SUCKS at showing it.
She's pretty certain she's decided to get the tattoo she's been wanting. But not sure where?!
She wonders if other people see the world as brightly as she does.
Maybe some people see it brighter? More vividly? More vibrantly? With more Jesus?
She'd rather be outside.
She didn't go to the Mac interview.
Lee Anne loves Jesus.
Jesus.
Just let that resonate in your soul.
Jesus. He is the epitome of love, grace, mercy, faith, justice, peace, growth, strength, marvel, wonder, life, truth, perfection... and all things good.
OH, she also HATES Edgar Allan Poe. (((Just because he makes her have writers' block hardcore.)))
Her credit card and bank accounts HATE her. BUT, she knows that it will all be okay, because HE will provide. :-)
<3 Oh, her Jesus. Isn't HE so beautiful? Isn't HE so mighty?
Oh, HE IS.
Monday, April 14, 2008
Sea Spiders
was thinking to myself that I want so desperately to just be so in love with Jesus that everything else just fades away...
Like, fades out of focus. That ALL I see is HIM.
But then I realized that's not what I want at all.
I want to see everything all around me, I want to see the people who are trying to hurt me. I want to see the people who are trying to take instead of give. I want to see ALL of the pain and hurt and anguish.
I want to see it ALL more vibrantly.
I want to see all of those things with His eyes.
& Love them with His Heart.
I want to see the clouds and the grass and the trees, and feel the wind and see smiles, and just glorify Him all the more. I want to be so in love with Him... that the love songs on the radio give me chills thinking about my precious Saviour & Redeemer.
My Lover. My Friend. My Jesus.
I was watching planet earth last night on my sister's big screen HD blu-ray... whatever... and there was this weird little sea spider thing...
My first thought was, ICK! Followed immediately by... "HE is so awesome." (Which I said out loud without thinking.)
I thought back to this Passion conference this weekend and to one of my favorite passages of Scripture (Matt 5:16) that says to let men see our lights shining and praise our Father in Heaven.
Right... So if this awful looking, soul-less, simple-minded creature at the bottom of the sea (whom no-one would ever see if it weren't for the discovery channel) makes me praise God in all His glorious splendor...
Should I not be doing so for the brilliant, intellectual, unique, beautiful, splendid individuals all around me?
Should I not cause other people to react, "HE is so awesome."
That's what I strive for.
That's what it should be.
That's what I'm called to be.
Hence the tattoo I've been talking about for months now.
I found a new band I like. Snow Patrol.
Open Your Eyes.
<3
+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=
Sometimes you have to die in order to appreciate what it is to truly live.
Fall, in order to appreciate balance.
Scream, to value silence.
Cry, to understand a smile.
Love, to alleviate hate.
Like, fades out of focus. That ALL I see is HIM.
But then I realized that's not what I want at all.
I want to see everything all around me, I want to see the people who are trying to hurt me. I want to see the people who are trying to take instead of give. I want to see ALL of the pain and hurt and anguish.
I want to see it ALL more vibrantly.
I want to see all of those things with His eyes.
& Love them with His Heart.
I want to see the clouds and the grass and the trees, and feel the wind and see smiles, and just glorify Him all the more. I want to be so in love with Him... that the love songs on the radio give me chills thinking about my precious Saviour & Redeemer.
My Lover. My Friend. My Jesus.
I was watching planet earth last night on my sister's big screen HD blu-ray... whatever... and there was this weird little sea spider thing...
My first thought was, ICK! Followed immediately by... "HE is so awesome." (Which I said out loud without thinking.)
I thought back to this Passion conference this weekend and to one of my favorite passages of Scripture (Matt 5:16) that says to let men see our lights shining and praise our Father in Heaven.
Right... So if this awful looking, soul-less, simple-minded creature at the bottom of the sea (whom no-one would ever see if it weren't for the discovery channel) makes me praise God in all His glorious splendor...
Should I not be doing so for the brilliant, intellectual, unique, beautiful, splendid individuals all around me?
Should I not cause other people to react, "HE is so awesome."
That's what I strive for.
That's what it should be.
That's what I'm called to be.
Hence the tattoo I've been talking about for months now.
I found a new band I like. Snow Patrol.
Open Your Eyes.
<3
+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=
Sometimes you have to die in order to appreciate what it is to truly live.
Fall, in order to appreciate balance.
Scream, to value silence.
Cry, to understand a smile.
Love, to alleviate hate.
Saturday, April 12, 2008
Boldness...
I don't remember when it was, but I prayed that God would give me His heart to love people. It's an ongoing prayer.
I have met so many awesome people and been so blessed to hear and be part of their stories.
I have shared others' stories, and my own.
I have never written out my story, nor have I even had the courage to share it with nearly as many people as I should... Do I lack boldness? Maybe it's just that it's not 'cool'?
Anyway, I want to write my story. I want to share it with you, how I have been redeemed, and what He's pulled me out of.
So, sometime soon I am thinking I will write it all out on here.
In all of its' shame... (in hopes of) glory to Him.
Passion '08: Session 1 = awemazing. (I couldn't decide between amazing and awesome. New word. Claim it.)
I think Jesus would like cheesy bean and rice burritos from taco bell.
Or maybe tell me to fast. lol. :0)
I LOVE to see people smile.
I need to go write about Edgar Allen Poe. I want to love college the way I love people. BOO.
I have met so many awesome people and been so blessed to hear and be part of their stories.
I have shared others' stories, and my own.
I have never written out my story, nor have I even had the courage to share it with nearly as many people as I should... Do I lack boldness? Maybe it's just that it's not 'cool'?
Anyway, I want to write my story. I want to share it with you, how I have been redeemed, and what He's pulled me out of.
So, sometime soon I am thinking I will write it all out on here.
In all of its' shame... (in hopes of) glory to Him.
Passion '08: Session 1 = awemazing. (I couldn't decide between amazing and awesome. New word. Claim it.)
I think Jesus would like cheesy bean and rice burritos from taco bell.
Or maybe tell me to fast. lol. :0)
I LOVE to see people smile.
I need to go write about Edgar Allen Poe. I want to love college the way I love people. BOO.
Tuesday, April 8, 2008
I Must Learn to Say "No."
I don't know where to begin.
Since I don't really know what I am thinking until I am saying it, I am just going to let it out. We'll see where it goes...
Journey with me, here.
Despair. Doubt. Fear. Loneliness. Defeat. Anger. Hurt. Brokenness. Confusion. Weakness. Disappointment.
These are all things that I have been feeling lately.
I've been crying out. And it seems that no one is there.
When I'm not "shining"... When I'm not that person who His love overflows out of, when I'm not that person who is so overwhelmed by His joy that she smiles and gives and loves and serves...
I can't see that Person... that Jesus... in other people.
I've made mistakes, I've been looking for approval and love and acceptance and joy and......... from other people... not from HIM.
You: "How are you?"
Me: "Good... Thanks, How are YOU?"
What am I hiding? Why am I avoiding truth? Isn't truth just HIM? Am I then, avoiding HIM?
Why do I feel that I have to be who you think I am? Why can't I just be me?
Why would I rather run than face it?
I need to be heard. I need to cry out and have someone to listen to me, to comfort me. Not to relate, not to tell me anything, just to listen.
That someone needs to be HIM. Yet, I'm here thinking that's not enough.
I'm sick. I'm tired. I'm angry.
I don't feel like the same person I was a month ago, in Atlanta, worshiping HIM. I don't feel like the same person I was last week at Status, arms raise, praising HIM.
But that's REAL. That's HIM. That's me, in HIM.
That's more me than any and all of these things that I am embracing and abusing myself for.
I can tell people of God's love & grace & mercy all day long, and not to embrace guilt, but rather to embrace HIM and His joy and love... Yet...
I can't. I have no grace for myself. At some point, I've thought that I have deserved any and everything that's ever happened to me.
That's bullshit. That's a lie.
Even if that were the case... I am to be free in HIM, I am redeemed by HIS blood... I am LOVED.
Why then did I just look in the mirror and feel so beyond empty?
Where, in this battle that has been the last month, have I lost sight of my Hope?
In the mirror? In the serving? In the giving? In the taking? In the regression? In the depression?
How do I get back to that?
Where are the people who are to love me and not judge me? Where is the balance of truth and reality? Where can I be SEEN?
SELF. Why am I so lost in losing my self that I've lost my true self?
My life is in you, LORD.
My strength is in you, LORD.
My hope is in you, LORD.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++
EDIT
++++++++++++++++++++++++++
I title my notes after I write them.
Death Cab For Cutie is what I've been listening to lately... "Your Heart is an Empty Room." and "Different Names for the Same Thing."
Since I don't really know what I am thinking until I am saying it, I am just going to let it out. We'll see where it goes...
Journey with me, here.
Despair. Doubt. Fear. Loneliness. Defeat. Anger. Hurt. Brokenness. Confusion. Weakness. Disappointment.
These are all things that I have been feeling lately.
I've been crying out. And it seems that no one is there.
When I'm not "shining"... When I'm not that person who His love overflows out of, when I'm not that person who is so overwhelmed by His joy that she smiles and gives and loves and serves...
I can't see that Person... that Jesus... in other people.
I've made mistakes, I've been looking for approval and love and acceptance and joy and......... from other people... not from HIM.
You: "How are you?"
Me: "Good... Thanks, How are YOU?"
What am I hiding? Why am I avoiding truth? Isn't truth just HIM? Am I then, avoiding HIM?
Why do I feel that I have to be who you think I am? Why can't I just be me?
Why would I rather run than face it?
I need to be heard. I need to cry out and have someone to listen to me, to comfort me. Not to relate, not to tell me anything, just to listen.
That someone needs to be HIM. Yet, I'm here thinking that's not enough.
I'm sick. I'm tired. I'm angry.
I don't feel like the same person I was a month ago, in Atlanta, worshiping HIM. I don't feel like the same person I was last week at Status, arms raise, praising HIM.
But that's REAL. That's HIM. That's me, in HIM.
That's more me than any and all of these things that I am embracing and abusing myself for.
I can tell people of God's love & grace & mercy all day long, and not to embrace guilt, but rather to embrace HIM and His joy and love... Yet...
I can't. I have no grace for myself. At some point, I've thought that I have deserved any and everything that's ever happened to me.
That's bullshit. That's a lie.
Even if that were the case... I am to be free in HIM, I am redeemed by HIS blood... I am LOVED.
Why then did I just look in the mirror and feel so beyond empty?
Where, in this battle that has been the last month, have I lost sight of my Hope?
In the mirror? In the serving? In the giving? In the taking? In the regression? In the depression?
How do I get back to that?
Where are the people who are to love me and not judge me? Where is the balance of truth and reality? Where can I be SEEN?
SELF. Why am I so lost in losing my self that I've lost my true self?
My life is in you, LORD.
My strength is in you, LORD.
My hope is in you, LORD.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++
EDIT
++++++++++++++++++++++++++
I title my notes after I write them.
Death Cab For Cutie is what I've been listening to lately... "Your Heart is an Empty Room." and "Different Names for the Same Thing."
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