Processor.

Often, I don't know what I'm thinking until I say it. 

[Or write it.]

Yet, I rarely have conversations that get me to say what I'm not thinking. 

[And I don't push myself to write consistently, either.]

It's a strange thing, this knowing what you're supposed to do and not doing it.  

[And certainly not a splendid one.]

I don't process life until I process it outside myself.  

[I must talk, share, expel from my soul] 

My identity depends on how I process life...

If I'm not processing, I'm not actually living. 

If I'm not writing and having conversations that draw me out of comfort and into brutal honesty, I'm not processing.

I haven't been living for awhile now.   

Oh, the breath of fresh air to know what needs to be done.

[Hope that I actually do it.]

Love is an Action

Not a day goes by that I don't get asked what NOMSA stands for... Because it MUST BE an acronym, right?  

I don't mind.  I get to share the story, I get to remember the way it felt to be given an African name, I get to remember the way it felt to be called that name, and to find out what it meant myself.  

"Nomsa means open heart" 

That's pretty much a guaranteed thing I hear and say almost everyday.  

What's in a name?  I think it's so important. 

The title of a blog post, if only judged by the title, needs to be intriguing enough to draw someone in to read the rest of the post.  

So what's in THIS name?

What of, "Love is an Action"?

Why? 

This is what I believe.  

It's my mantra, if you will.  

If I put that thought - that belief - into action, everything changes.  

"It's not official until it's on Facebook"...

The aftermath of the right way to do engagement rings conversation (& post) is still with me.  
The same friend who challenged my thinking about diamonds & engagement rings as an entire tradition is challenging me to reconsider the public posting of relationships and engagements.  

Where the norm says, "It's not official until it's on facebook," he says it doesn't need to be on facebook at all.  

I heard him out, and as a woman who wants any man of mine to be proud I'm his, I was enraged at this idea.  

I thought about how excited I got when my newsfeed told me that John & Jennifer have decided to tie the knot.  I anxiously look at every engagement photo they post, and it just fills my little heart with joy.  

As I was putting away clean laundry and reflecting on the conversation I had with my friend about publicity of relationships, I thought about friends preparing for marriage & that my only knowledge of that must be facebook, because my busyness keeps me from being involved in their daily lives. 

There's something to be said for the way it makes a girl feel to have an entire room of people, an entire online community, or an entire world to know that he's proud to have her by his side.  

That said, I hear and understand his point of view, I get it - it's not everyone's business - especially people who aren't involved in his daily life.  

However, I can also close my eyes and imagine the smile on a girl's face when he's proud to call her his woman to any and everyone who'll see it.  

Remarkable as a Way of Life.

Yesterday, I found myself overwhelmed & exhausted, thinking about all that needs to be done, and all that I've yet to do.  

I realized that I haven't read a book in months, and this made my heart hurt.  

I have, however, been reading some amazing blogs by some brilliant minds like Seth, Sasha, and others; as well as having amazing conversations with still other brilliant minds like John, Nikki & Matt.  All of which inspire and challenge me to pursue truth and be remarkable.  

What does it mean to be remarkable, anyway?

As long as I can remember, I've imagined an engagement ring like this.  

But, I have this brilliant friend that challenges me toward truth on a daily basis.  He tries his best to be remarkable and challenges those around him to do the same.  

See, he believes that we're challenged to this whole new way of life, this alternate world; this way of life that he pursues, and invites others to pursue with him.  

This way of life that changes the way everything gets done; everything from supporting fair trade to building community that creates sustainable change.

Looking at the world with everyone's best interest at heart, how can I buy products that I know are made by children in sweat shops?  How can I support (or ask a future spouse to support) an industry that has seen so much bloodshed to mine diamonds?  

Don't I value humanity more than that?  

Don't I preach, teach, and attempt to live out this alternate kingdom?  

Don't I believe that love is an action?

So what of my dream diamond ring when that day comes?  

There are, of course, "conflict free" diamonds.  But what of the symbol we've been sold?  What of "A Diamond is Forever", "Diamonds are a Girl's Best Friend" and various other marketing strategies that have shaped the way America does engagements?  

Is that remarkable?

It's great to know that 74 governments have chosen to support the Kimberley Process, ensuring conflcit free diamonds, but how many lives were lost and how much blood was shed before that came about?  

Is it best to say, I'll still support that symbol, buying a different kind of diamond?  Or do you choose a different gem, a sapphire or ruby, maybe?  Or maybe a family heirloom wedding set?  

I don't know what the answer is. 

If the question is 2+2=x, I know that 2+2 does not equal 3.  That's as far as I've gotten.  

The other night, I sat in a room full of marketers, innovators, entreprenuers, and other amazing young minds.  We discussed making an impact, doing business well, and what sells.  

Our conclusions: Passion is important, relationships are vital, and focusing outward - on what's best for everyone - is the most remarkable way for things to be done.  

Today.

Moment by moment.

I can't face forever.  I can't always face tomorrow.

What I can face is today.

Stress, anxiety, addictions, and struggles are more managable when they only threaten today.  

Playing with fire...

Quite a while back, I spent some time with a wonderful young girl who told me of her struggles.  She reminds me of me at her age... except stronger, more honest, and pursuing Jesus. 

Anyway, what really reminds me of me at any age, is that she wants to play with fire.  She enjoys playing with fire... Hoping and striving for a day when she can so successfully play with fire that she doesn't get burned.  

Her fire is a blade across her wrist; she wants to stare her biggest struggle in the face, have blade to her wrist and not cut herself.  

It sounds ridiculous, but have I not done the same thing?  Don't we all do the same thing to a certain extent?... How much can I get away with? How far can I push this? 

And that's why it keeps happening.  

When faced with battling addiction, one cannot expect to hold a needle to their arm and choose not to indulge, one must choose not to indulge in a thought process that leads to seeing or holding the needle. 

  

No matter the struggle, the key is community. 

Community = health, balance, and honesty. 

Suicide

What I have learned about suicide while reading my Deviant Behavior book:

1.  In previous generations, more likely in urban areas than rural. Currently, that's reversed. 

2.  More likely when an individual feels need to be independent and not community-based. 

3. Attempters use methods (poison, overdosing, gases, etc.) that often anticipate or hope for an escape.

4.  Men more likely than women to commit suicide. Women attempt much more than men.

5.  Divorced commit more often than married, and parents less than those without children. 

6.  The rich are more likely to commit suicide than the poor.

What does this tell me?

1.  As our world has become more globalized via the media, the rural ceases to be rural anymore - ceases to be community-oriented. 

2.  Community = health.

3. & 4.  Women attempt (not committing to the most lethal option) and therefore, want to be rescued. 

5.  The more needed, loved, depended upon, or committed one is, the less likely. 

6.  Money can't buy you love.

The book states: 

"All this has been taken to suggest that the more and stronger ties we have to other people, the less likely we are to escape our problems through suicide."

He Loves Me Not

She twirls the precious daisy between her fingers. She imagines herself as a little girl, spinning in a long flowing dress, dreaming of a dance with her prince charming. 
Opening her eyes, her senses are flooded with his memory... His smell, the taste of his lips, the way his hand feels against the small of her back, the way his eyes glow in the sun... 
She presses her eyes shut again, trying to keep them as tight as possible, push out any memory, any sense of reality.
What is the reality?
She is alone.

She remembers the flower between her fingers & thinks of the childish game... Pulling every last petal from the flower: 'he loves me, he loves me not, he loves me, he loves me not, he loves me...'
She doesn't need to destroy this beautiful flower; she knows the answer without pulling a single petal from its' stem. 
All the petals may as well say the same simple four words.
There's not the slightest chance for anything else. He's said the words. He's promised them with each & every kiss. 
She believed him. She heard forever in every embrace. She hoped with every look he gave her, she dreamed as he smiled at her. She believed a lie. 

She wipes away the tears from her cheeks & takes a deep breath. 
She knows the truth now.

He loved me never. 
He loves me not. 
He never will.

Sacrificial love

Yesterday, I sat across from a woman whose heart is very dear to me and we shared a conversation over breakfast.  

I watched tears fill her eyes as she admitted that the people around her are robbing her of her joy, of the very essence of her being.  

It all began because she loved, genuinely.  She poured out her heart - and therefore her time, energy, and resources - to show love to the people around her.  

It ends with her inability to give because they've taken so much.  She's no longer giving, they're only taking. 

This strong, independent, and wise woman that I know sat in front of me, aching and torn for having been taken advantage of.

How much can you give of yourself to love sacrificially?  

Once I told someone, "I love you, just how you are... But I love you enough to not let you stay that way." 

What if the sacrifice is their friendship?

What if, in being honest about their taking advantage of you, you lose them altogether? 

Is that a sacrifice you're willing to make?  Do you love that much?  

It doesn't feel like love.  It hurts like hell.  It doesn't look like love when you part ways.  

It is love.  

It's sacrificial love... love that says I will challenge you, and keep your best interest at heart, always, no matter the cost.  

Rather than this option, though, she chooses to run in search of new people, people who might give to her, and not require that she always give.  

It ends the same way.  There must be balance, and a realization that the only solution is honest conversation.  Make new friends, and pursue balance and truth together, but not at the cost of the other friends... Let that loss only come as a result of inability to accept truth.  

Oppression

It hurts my heart to think that there are places where women are still intensely oppressed. I tend to think that we've come so far as a culture, society, age, and (even) as a world that this just wouldn't happen anymore.   

It's easier when you think the places where this still exists are tens of thousands of miles away in cultures that aren't as 'advanced' as ours.

But what of that attitude coming from the church that desires to teach me about Jesus?

How am I to learn that I'm loved by Jesus if the man who's teaching me about Him doesn't think I'm worth talking to because I'm a woman? 

How am I to believe that Jesus desires to captivate my heart, pursue me, and love me if my church doesn't think I'm good for anything except making babies and cooking. Oh, right, I forgot, cleaning.  

How am I to believe I am worth loving?

Because HE says so; no matter who distorts that, His words remain:

"You are altogether beautiful my love, there is no flaw in you."

Do versus Be.

I've been told my passion is infectious.
I hope that it is. I hope that my goals, dreams, and desires inspire.
I know that when I share my passion, it is reinforced in my soul. 

When I tell you of what brings me to life, what's set me free, and what makes me, me, I come to life that much more.

I came to an important realization last year... I am a human being, not a human doing. 

That no matter what I'm doing, I must remember that I was created to BE.

What am I to BE?
I am to BE me. I am to BE a writer, an inspirer, a friend, a lover.
I am to BE the change I wish to see. I am to be set free.
I am to BE still, to BE honest, to BE His.


Nothing is as liberating as the realization that He wants ME to BE His more than He wants anything I could ever do for Him, or in His name.

Infectious passion comes when you embrace who you were created to BE.
Don't get caught up with all the things you DO that define you, and BE the beautiful person that you are when you're doing what you do.
Everything you'll ever do is more effective when you're BEing you.