Honesty.

A pastor called and began the conversation simply, how most conversations begin;

"How are you?"

I responded truthfully.

I didn't smile and say, 'I'm fine,' I didn't gloss over. I was honest. 

I was having a pretty awful day.

My friend, overhearing all of this, complimented me on my honesty. 

Last week I had a very honest conversation with a few people about my hurt with my 'community' lately, my bitterness toward dishonesty and my impatience for that which is not genuine. 

I was very honest about struggles and hurts. I've been very honest with so many people in the past year. In my honesty, inviting them in to care. Inviting them to befriend, to live life together. To be honest with each other. To pursue Jesus together. 

In this - my intense honesty - my heart has been so broken.

In the past, I've been afraid to be a challenge or a burden, so I've lied when asked how I'm doing...

I'm still afraid to be a challenge or a burden... but I'm being honest... 

I'm a screw up. I can be awkward. I don't know what it is to have close girl friends. I get loud when I'm excited about stuff... I talk too much sometimes. I forget things, constantly. I struggle. 

Being my friend won't be the easiest thing... because I'm broken and imperfect. Because I hurt and I need. Because I expect and I fail. 

But...

I love.

I listen, I care, I challenge, I share, I give. I want to learn from you, and the stories you have to tell.

I don't want another 100 friends on facebook who tell me that they want to hang out whenever we happen to see each other... I want honesty. I want community.

If you're too busy to be my friend, if you don't like me, if you don't want to know me... 

Be honest in this... 

Please, please don't tell me you care when you don't. 

I am being honest enough to pour my heart out about this, and it hurts... But I hope it shows that when I say that I care and I want to know you, I do... I mean it. 

I am busy, yes. I am not too busy to live life with you. 

I need you. I'm ready to be needed by you, as well.

It's not going to be easy.

Recent conversations have led me to realize that the only times I've experienced true community were times I didn't have a choice. I had a commitment I had to follow through with to be around the same people. They hurt me, they drove me nuts... but I was there. And they're the nearest and dearest people to my heart, and always will be.

Join in this journey with me... This journey to love genuinely as we're called to... This journey to seek His will and His face, His love and His grace. 

I tagged you because I want to know you, intentionally.

I expect some of you to be too busy... 

I hope only for honesty. It doesn't have to start with me. I just ask that with all the people in our lives we can see where we're being dishonest with ourselves and/or each other...

If I didn't tag you, please still feel free to respond to this. 

Please know that this doesn't only apply to the people that came to my mind first. 

And all you wonderful guys I know, I want to know you, but I need awesome women in my life.