Dear Husband.

Dear Husband,

Most days, I don't believe you exist.

See, to believe you exist, I must believe that you could love me. 

That's not to say you aren't capable of loving. 

Rather, that I'm incapable of being loved. 

I'm not like most girls, for many reasons.

One of which is that I can't envision my dream wedding.

There's not one of these, because I don't have this dream.

To dream, one must hope.

My heart cannot bear to imagine such a world...

A world where someone should love someone as wretched as me.

I dreamt of you the other day... 

for the first time in this life.

You were radiant, stunning, you. 

You asked me to be your wife. 

I told you, "I cannot."

"Why?" You said, hanging your head. 

I hate to see you hurt, sweet man.

"I could never, ever, be good enough." 

If I vow now to never let you get close to me, will you promise to find someone who's better? 

Find someone pure, someone whole, someone that deserves someone as wonderful as you?

I'm terrified that I'll never let you love me, and I cannot let you waste your life trying, only to be hurt, disappointed, broken. 

Be free, sweet man. 

Love someone who will let you love them.

I cannot.

I could never.

This burden that I bear burns a hole in my soul. 

This brutal, gaping hole that begs to be poured into, but refuses to receive. 

Never, ever, 

Yours.