Since I don't really know what I am thinking until I am saying it, I am just going to let it out. We'll see where it goes...
Journey with me, here.
Despair. Doubt. Fear. Loneliness. Defeat. Anger. Hurt. Brokenness. Confusion. Weakness. Disappointment.
These are all things that I have been feeling lately.
I've been crying out. And it seems that no one is there.
When I'm not "shining"... When I'm not that person who His love overflows out of, when I'm not that person who is so overwhelmed by His joy that she smiles and gives and loves and serves...
I can't see that Person... that Jesus... in other people.
I've made mistakes, I've been looking for approval and love and acceptance and joy and......... from other people... not from HIM.
You: "How are you?"
Me: "Good... Thanks, How are YOU?"
What am I hiding? Why am I avoiding truth? Isn't truth just HIM? Am I then, avoiding HIM?
Why do I feel that I have to be who you think I am? Why can't I just be me?
Why would I rather run than face it?
I need to be heard. I need to cry out and have someone to listen to me, to comfort me. Not to relate, not to tell me anything, just to listen.
That someone needs to be HIM. Yet, I'm here thinking that's not enough.
I'm sick. I'm tired. I'm angry.
I don't feel like the same person I was a month ago, in Atlanta, worshiping HIM. I don't feel like the same person I was last week at Status, arms raise, praising HIM.
But that's REAL. That's HIM. That's me, in HIM.
That's more me than any and all of these things that I am embracing and abusing myself for.
I can tell people of God's love & grace & mercy all day long, and not to embrace guilt, but rather to embrace HIM and His joy and love... Yet...
I can't. I have no grace for myself. At some point, I've thought that I have deserved any and everything that's ever happened to me.
That's bullshit. That's a lie.
Even if that were the case... I am to be free in HIM, I am redeemed by HIS blood... I am LOVED.
Why then did I just look in the mirror and feel so beyond empty?
Where, in this battle that has been the last month, have I lost sight of my Hope?
In the mirror? In the serving? In the giving? In the taking? In the regression? In the depression?
How do I get back to that?
Where are the people who are to love me and not judge me? Where is the balance of truth and reality? Where can I be SEEN?
SELF. Why am I so lost in losing my self that I've lost my true self?
My life is in you, LORD.
My strength is in you, LORD.
My hope is in you, LORD.
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EDIT
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I title my notes after I write them.
Death Cab For Cutie is what I've been listening to lately... "Your Heart is an Empty Room." and "Different Names for the Same Thing."
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